As I was having quiet time this morning I was overcome with the true Sovereignty of God.
The Sovereignty of God is the biblical teaching that all things are under God's rule and control, and that nothing happens without His direction or permission
For those of you who know me halfway well, you might know that I desire plans. I need plans for the day, for my showers, for dinner, for the weekend, for events to look forward to, and on and on. Jason has to deal with my planning most directly, but I do believe he knows it's good, most of the time.
For the past say, three months, I've dealt with my plans or view for my life. With Roman growing everyday, I like to try to picture him as he grows up. I try to picture the type of mom I will be when he is a teenager and has friends over hanging at the house. I try to picture what our relationship will be like. I try to picture all these things, but I couldn't. I hit a brick wall and I was done. To my wandering mind, I thought this meant bad things. I let lies creep in that seem so ridiculous now, but at the time seemed so real. (And I can't say those lies don't still come back, I am learning to control my mind better) I thought since I couldn't picture the future it meant I was going to die or something drastic like that. I will spare you the details, just know it was some really intense and ridiculous stories I had created. When I get something in my mind, I get stuck. I can very easily get in ruts and for fear of what might come or scared of having to overcome it, I just stay. No matter what the situation is, I find it easier to stay. Staying is a very dangerous thing because it leads to a hard heart, bitterness, anger, fear, and irrational thoughts. Some people have an easy time of trusting God, I don't. I want control. Right, I will say 'God is in control', but I'm still hanging on to a part of my life that I think I can plan for what I want.
Mark Driscoll says, "If my words don't flow out of a heart that rests in God's control, sovereignty, then they come out of the heart that seeks control so I can get what I want."
I am thankful for forgiveness of selfishness and self-centeredness. I am thankful for a sovereign God who does know my plans. I prayerfully seek to follow fully after Him and not my own ideas.
With a new year and a new perspective from little things Jason & I are praying through, I had a great insight into something that I've known, I was just too stuck to work through it. I've realized something even BIGGER. I do not know the plans for my life. I am not the great arranger or coordinator of Jason, Roman, & I's life. I wondered why I couldn't picture my life as time goes on and I found the answer. I can't because I am not great enough to know the future. Although I am not great, I know someone who is. As overused as I think this verse sometimes is, Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." This is all I need, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares THE LORD." Thank you Jesus, that that weight doesn't fall on me. Forgive me Jesus, for thinking I am great enough to have that task of making my own plans.
As I was thinking and praying on this, I thought how crazy it sounded for me to say I couldn't picture my future. I hear a lot of people say, I picture my future with a sweet family, good job, etc. Of course I have an idea of what I think I would like, a good church, a nice home, family, yes I have all those thoughts but they are just that, thoughts. I can't hold close my plans because they are my plans. In Jason & I's walk, things haven't always made sense. They haven't always seemed normal to the people around but that's because they weren't. They have been mysterious, they have been only of God. I want to flip the switch on us knowing our future. That doesn't mean unwise or foolish actions, but prayerfully asking what His ways are. We can't plan out our life. I want it to be ok to not know what's next, but know that God does see the whole picture.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
God works in mysterious ways. It is supernatural. Will I really rest in that? Will I even continue to strive to live that way, all for His glory? Let's be reminded of how BIG God really is, God's got this.
"Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2