My heart...love you Pa-Pa.

I haven't blogged in forever, but felt I had so much on my heart about today that I needed to put it somewhere.  Today has been one year since my Pa-Pa was killed.  Up until this morning I felt that I was doing very good, but of course emotion hits all at the same time and it was hard remembering.  The weeks leading up to today I wondered why I wasn't crying when I thought about it and was it wrong that I wasn't?  But I'm very thankful for the peace I have been given.  I remember being in Saint Louis and having such a hard time not being close to family, although I know that wouldn't have changed things, to me I felt it would just be better.  I remember praying daily for my family to know how much I loved them regardless of distance and time spent with them.  I dealt with alot of fear and anxiety, and I think it was the artifical peace I thought I would have from being close to family.  I remember walking and thinking things like, "I wouldn't be ok if something ever happened to my family, what would I do."  I just knew I couldn't get through something like that and that fear haunted me most days that I allowed my mind to go there.  Thankfully, Jesus is greater than I am and although it shook me to my core, I felt peace about the situation instantly and know that was from Jesus alone.  This situation helped me see that Jesus is always enough and even though something like this gave me that revelation, I'm so thankful to have experienced that and grown from it.  I remember the long drive back to Doniphan a year ago today and through many tears, I remember smiles too.  I had the peace that Pa-Pa was happy.  I think often of the great year he had.  He hit a hole in one which was pretty awesome.  He got to experience the joy of another granddaughter, MacKay and how he loved her.  He got to see his other grandchildren too, Cory, Jalen, Jordan, Addison, and me and how much joy I know we brought him.  He got to go to a Cardinal's game and experience the new stadium.  We got to go to Big Springs and eat as a family and share the most perfect family picture from that.  I remember coming to visit once over the summer and teasing Mom-Mom that I felt her and Pa-Pa were more in love and happier than I ever saw them and it's so awesome for me to be able to hang onto that image.  I remember eating with the family on Labor Day in Saint Louis and giving Pa-Pa his birthday card.  It was an African American special card but the only one I could find that said Pa-Pa.  I remember calling to see how his birthday was and hearing how he acctually went out with friends to eat and celebrate it and how happy and suprised that made me all at the same time, but Mom-Mom said they had a great time.  I remember dealing with my broken car that last month and sending it to Doniphan to get fixed, then back to Saint Louis and on and on and Pa-Pa kept putting more and more money into it!  Then finally, Monday September 27th, calling Pa-Pa to tell him that it was all fixed and him saying, "Praise the Lord!" and laughing like I can still hear Pa-Pa do.  And these special moments are just the ones that give me peace, I know there are so many more.  It's so comforting to know we have a Savior who truly is there in our darkest moments and let's His light shine through like you don't know possible until that moment.  Sometimes I feel bad about feeling happy for Pa-Pa while I know others are still hurting so deeply, and sometimes I wonder if how I feel is wrong.  But I think God has given me the peace to grow me in ways that only something like this could have done and the ability to shine a light on the situation for others.  I'm so very thankful for the peace and comfort I feel and know Pa-Pa would be proud.  My Pa-Pa was such a good man and I'm thankful for the lessons I have from him.  Although, the one I still hear enough from Daddy, Jan-Jan, and even Mom-Mom in those moments when I usually don't want to hear it is the famous line, "You'll do the right thing..."  No, I want you to tell me what the right thing is! :)  What a journey this year has been.  Most days are good.  Some times are really hard.  Especially when trying to explain heaven to Addie and her saying that she doesn't like heaven cause it took her Pa-Pa away.  And how she just wants him to come back.  Those times usually end in tears for us all but it's the innocence of her truly missing Pa-Pa, and that is so sweet just as it is sad.  Today will be filled with tears as we all remember but I know I am thankful for what we do have and comfort in knowing Pa-Pa is in heaven, and a Jesus who is there to fill our hearts during these times. 

Love and miss you so much Pa-Pa.