2014-New Year, New Word

I felt the need to post this afternoon and realized it was Wednesday, January 2, 2013 since the last time I did! Does blogging need to be my New Year's Resolution? Oops!

A lot of the ladies I follow through social media do this thing each New Year.  They chose a word to define their year, and that was good and fun for them.  A few examples of such words I had seen were balance, faith, diligence, pursue, positive, and all those feel good words.  Well I woke up this morning after Roman sleeping until 8:30 and felt good.  Enjoyed the morning, sat down for lunch, and broke down.  I cried. I cried while I ate. I cried while I talked.  I then cried while I took a shower.  It could be the fact that I stayed up until midnight and I'm not used to seeing 10:30 pm, or that I'm pregnant cause that's a valid excuse for anything. But I believe it was more than that.  I feel God laid on my heavy heart to embrace the new year and not be weighed down with burdens or anxieties that I can lay before Jesus and he so graciously helps me carry them. So this year I will chose to...

Embrace...

Jesus like never before,

Embrace...

God's word and dive deeply into it,

Embrace...

God's grace and fully accept it,

Embrace...

God's goodness and remember He is on my team, He is for me, He is my helper and my truest friend and I need to take advantage of that and not try to do it all on my own, 

Embrace...

the relationship God has grown between Jason & I and continue to build on it,

Embrace...

loving on Roman and watching him grow and develop,

Embrace... 

soaking up these few months before Andie arrives and changes our family dynamic,

Embrace...

the family I've been given and loving them well all the time,

Embrace...

each moment I'm in and not get wrapped up in the next thing or expectations that might let me down but enjoy where I'm at now,

Embrace...

friends that I've been given and cultivate those relationships more deeply, both near & far,

Embrace...

the fact that Roman is growing up quickly and use that bittersweet thought to make my time more meaningful with him,

Embrace...

the fact that Jason is right about a lot more than I ever want to admit to him and I'm wrong a whole lot too. (sorry babe)

Embrace...

my new role as Andie Grace's mom and welcoming a baby girl into the family,

Embrace...

every person God's placed in my life and let me not take advantage of them but rather embrace them and let them know they are loved,

Embrace...

the good and the bad in every circumstance and know that everything has the opportunity to draw us closer to Jesus.

Embrace...

our current situation because this is what God has for us for this season and for a specific purpose and let us find joy in the waiting,

Embrace...

the task of being more intentional in all areas of my life,

Embrace...

the strength to not be passive but instead take action and make things happen,

To Embrace...

turning away from evil and not speaking hurtful things, to do good, and to seek peace.

1 Peter 3:10-11

"Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here's what you do: Say nothing evil or hurtful;  Snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you're worth."  (The Message)

"For "Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it." (ESV)

Jesus thank you for loving us and saving us 

because that was enough, and help me to embrace everything else

 I've been given because it's all a gift from you.

Will you embrace this new year with me and live in the moment 

and strive to not just be better this year,

 but more like Jesus in all that we do?

Now I am going to embrace the tiny voice I hear making 

monster growls in his bed after nap time because that's his way of asking 

to watch Monsters Inc. toy reviews on Shoo Tube(You Tube), so very thankful!

The Best Planner

 As I was having quiet time this morning I was overcome with the true Sovereignty of God. 

 

The Sovereignty of God is the biblical teaching that all things are under God's rule and control, and that nothing happens without His direction or permission

 

For those of you who know me halfway well, you might know that I desire plans.  I need plans for the day, for my showers, for dinner, for the weekend, for events to look forward to, and on and on.  Jason has to deal with my planning most directly, but I do believe he knows it's good, most of the time. 

 

For the past say, three months, I've dealt with my plans or view for my life.  With Roman growing everyday, I like to try to picture him as he grows up.  I try to picture the type of mom I will be when he is a teenager and has friends over hanging at the house.  I try to picture what our relationship will be like.  I try to picture all these things, but I couldn't.  I hit a brick wall and I was done.  To my wandering mind, I thought this meant bad things.  I let lies creep in that seem so ridiculous now, but at the time seemed so real.  (And I can't say those lies don't still come back, I am learning to control my mind better)  I thought since I couldn't picture the future it meant I was going to die or something drastic like that. I will spare you the details, just know it was some really intense and ridiculous stories I had created.   When I get something in my mind, I get stuck.  I can very easily get in ruts and for fear of what might come or scared of having to overcome it, I just stay.  No matter what the situation is, I find it easier to stay.  Staying is a very dangerous thing because it leads to a hard heart, bitterness, anger, fear, and irrational thoughts. Some people have an easy time of trusting God, I don't.  I want control.  Right, I will say 'God is in control', but I'm still hanging on to a part of my life that I think I can plan for what I want. 

 

Mark Driscoll says, "If my words don't flow out of a heart that rests in God's control, sovereignty, then they come out of the heart that seeks control so I can get what I want."

I am thankful for forgiveness of selfishness and self-centeredness. I am thankful for a sovereign God who does know my plans.  I prayerfully seek to follow fully after Him and not my own ideas.

 

With a new year and a new perspective from little things Jason & I are praying through, I had a great insight into something that I've known, I was just too stuck to work through it.  I've realized something even BIGGER.  I do not know the plans for my life.  I am not the great arranger or coordinator of Jason, Roman, & I's life.  I wondered why I couldn't picture my life as time goes on and I found the answer.  I can't because I am not great enough to know the future.  Although I am not great, I know someone who is.  As overused as I think this verse sometimes is, Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  This is all I need, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares THE LORD."  Thank you Jesus, that that weight doesn't fall on me.  Forgive me Jesus, for thinking I am great enough to have that task of making my own plans. 

 

As I was thinking and praying on this, I thought how crazy it sounded for me to say I couldn't picture my future. I hear a lot of people say, I picture my future with a sweet family, good job, etc. Of course I have an idea of what I think I would like, a good church, a nice home, family, yes I have all those thoughts but they are just that, thoughts. I can't hold close my plans because they are my plans. In Jason & I's walk, things haven't always made sense. They haven't always seemed normal to the people around but that's because they weren't. They have been mysterious, they have been only of God. I want to flip the switch on us knowing our future. That doesn't mean unwise or foolish actions, but prayerfully asking what His ways are.  We can't plan out our life.  I want it to be ok to not know what's next, but know that God does see the whole picture.

 

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

 

God works in mysterious ways.  It is supernatural.  Will I really rest in that?  Will I even continue to strive to live that way, all for His glory?  Let's be reminded of how BIG God really is, God's got this.

 

"Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."  -Hebrews 12:2

 

 

 

My heart...love you Pa-Pa.

I haven't blogged in forever, but felt I had so much on my heart about today that I needed to put it somewhere.  Today has been one year since my Pa-Pa was killed.  Up until this morning I felt that I was doing very good, but of course emotion hits all at the same time and it was hard remembering.  The weeks leading up to today I wondered why I wasn't crying when I thought about it and was it wrong that I wasn't?  But I'm very thankful for the peace I have been given.  I remember being in Saint Louis and having such a hard time not being close to family, although I know that wouldn't have changed things, to me I felt it would just be better.  I remember praying daily for my family to know how much I loved them regardless of distance and time spent with them.  I dealt with alot of fear and anxiety, and I think it was the artifical peace I thought I would have from being close to family.  I remember walking and thinking things like, "I wouldn't be ok if something ever happened to my family, what would I do."  I just knew I couldn't get through something like that and that fear haunted me most days that I allowed my mind to go there.  Thankfully, Jesus is greater than I am and although it shook me to my core, I felt peace about the situation instantly and know that was from Jesus alone.  This situation helped me see that Jesus is always enough and even though something like this gave me that revelation, I'm so thankful to have experienced that and grown from it.  I remember the long drive back to Doniphan a year ago today and through many tears, I remember smiles too.  I had the peace that Pa-Pa was happy.  I think often of the great year he had.  He hit a hole in one which was pretty awesome.  He got to experience the joy of another granddaughter, MacKay and how he loved her.  He got to see his other grandchildren too, Cory, Jalen, Jordan, Addison, and me and how much joy I know we brought him.  He got to go to a Cardinal's game and experience the new stadium.  We got to go to Big Springs and eat as a family and share the most perfect family picture from that.  I remember coming to visit once over the summer and teasing Mom-Mom that I felt her and Pa-Pa were more in love and happier than I ever saw them and it's so awesome for me to be able to hang onto that image.  I remember eating with the family on Labor Day in Saint Louis and giving Pa-Pa his birthday card.  It was an African American special card but the only one I could find that said Pa-Pa.  I remember calling to see how his birthday was and hearing how he acctually went out with friends to eat and celebrate it and how happy and suprised that made me all at the same time, but Mom-Mom said they had a great time.  I remember dealing with my broken car that last month and sending it to Doniphan to get fixed, then back to Saint Louis and on and on and Pa-Pa kept putting more and more money into it!  Then finally, Monday September 27th, calling Pa-Pa to tell him that it was all fixed and him saying, "Praise the Lord!" and laughing like I can still hear Pa-Pa do.  And these special moments are just the ones that give me peace, I know there are so many more.  It's so comforting to know we have a Savior who truly is there in our darkest moments and let's His light shine through like you don't know possible until that moment.  Sometimes I feel bad about feeling happy for Pa-Pa while I know others are still hurting so deeply, and sometimes I wonder if how I feel is wrong.  But I think God has given me the peace to grow me in ways that only something like this could have done and the ability to shine a light on the situation for others.  I'm so very thankful for the peace and comfort I feel and know Pa-Pa would be proud.  My Pa-Pa was such a good man and I'm thankful for the lessons I have from him.  Although, the one I still hear enough from Daddy, Jan-Jan, and even Mom-Mom in those moments when I usually don't want to hear it is the famous line, "You'll do the right thing..."  No, I want you to tell me what the right thing is! :)  What a journey this year has been.  Most days are good.  Some times are really hard.  Especially when trying to explain heaven to Addie and her saying that she doesn't like heaven cause it took her Pa-Pa away.  And how she just wants him to come back.  Those times usually end in tears for us all but it's the innocence of her truly missing Pa-Pa, and that is so sweet just as it is sad.  Today will be filled with tears as we all remember but I know I am thankful for what we do have and comfort in knowing Pa-Pa is in heaven, and a Jesus who is there to fill our hearts during these times. 

Love and miss you so much Pa-Pa.